So the other day, I left my Christian group. They were extremely supportive and really helped me so much on my journey, but after a while, I just needed to cut myself off.
My brothers and sisters in Christ are amazing people, and if not for them, I won’t have grown this much in my journey, but there are times that call for letting go.
You may be wondering why I decided to leave the Christian group that Father put me in and I totally get why you may be wondering. But honestly, sometimes, it’s good to take time out to oneself and reflect. Being on was great, and having a family of believers is also amazing as well, but sometimes we need to let go of close friends in order to find ourselves.
I wasn’t myself on there and most importantly, I wasn’t the girl that Father wants me to be.
When I first got saved, I wanted to be the girl that wanted everybody else to be saved. I would get on my knees and beg God to save everyone and I would write down a list of names and pray over them because I wanted Father to show them mercy. Also, I was the girl with a big heart for everyone, including my friends who were living in the deepest sins. I cared so much about people and I wanted to show them that Father is capable of making their wrongs right and their crooked paths straight.
However, as I grew spiritually, my character changed. I started cutting people off from social media and even in-person to the point that it just made me super judgemental. And being in a family of believers, there was this pride that came along with it. I used to see my family as “better than others” or “so special” because we were Abba’s children. And that created this self-pride within me that I didn’t have before.
I became so lost in my thoughts that each time I met someone new, I would literally have a judgmental character that just wasn’t right. I just wasn’t myself and I could see it affecting my daily life and the way I interacted with people. My heart became so hardened and I just couldn’t explain what exactly was going on with me.
Knowing that Father is a loving God, why did my heart then feel so hardened?
I had to come to this conclusion after pulling away and taking time to myself. I realized that my heart became hardened because of the many times I judged people and the self-pride I was harbouring within me. It all started to make sense and I’m glad Father showed me this earlier before it got way out of hand.
When Father pours in His love on us, our goal is to pour that same love into others. But how can one pour love if there’s judgment? How can one pour love if there’s condemnation? How can one pour love if there is isolation?
It all started to make sense and I felt that being among believers had made me forget that I was once unsaved and needed grace.
Another thing too that became a problem was spirituality. As I was growing in my journey, I started to feel less about myself. I felt because I wasn’t 4 years in my journey with Christ, I had no right to speak about God or give a word to others from God. Although I knew in my heart that it was Father speaking to me, I still felt this fear of speaking out because I relied more on what others would say about me, rather than what Father wants me to tell them.
Surrounding myself with other believers made me question myself a lot. I felt like I had no voice because I wasn’t the leader of a group and most importantly, I started looking to others to hear from Father, even when He was speaking to me directly.
And I feel like that’s the mistake a lot of new believers make.
We see our spiritual leaders as the only source of hearing from Father when in reality, He actually wants to speak to us directly. He created us to have intimacy with Him, so why do we depend on others to hear from our own creator? It makes no sense.
Not being spiritual enough
During this confusion phase, I had someone tell me that when a person gets saved, Father isn’t interested in using them, He is only interested in their character. And that misconception almost threw me off my journey. I started to feel like Father wasn’t speaking to me this entire time and I even went as far as almost giving up on wanting to hear from Him.
Given that some of the things He previously told me came true, I began questioning myself as if this whole time it was my thoughts speaking and not Him. But then again, why would my thoughts tell me about the future?
I’m not the best in discernment yet, that’s for sure, but one thing I’m very sure of is the fact that He speaks to me.
So why did I begin to doubt myself?
Well, turns out it’s because I had relied solely on man as my way of hearing from my own Father. I had convinced myself that because this person is more spiritual and God speaks to the person, then the person must know best. And that’s the lie I sucked myself into believing. I started to trust in man to know about my Father, instead of just going directly to Father to know about Him.
Confirmation is very important, hence why spiritual leaders are amazing, but one thing we should be careful of is to not solely rely on them as a means of hearing from Father.
You don’t need to be deep in your spiritual journey or have the perfect character to hear from Father. And you don’t need to be spiritual either in order for God to use you. He can use you whenever He pleases.
When God called Moses to get the Israelites out of Egypt, He wasn’t even spiritual. In fact, he had just committed murder and was running away. God wasn’t only interested in his character, He was interested in using him as well.
I started to think of the many times Father had used me to reach close friends and it made me realize that I had relied on a man to tell me more about Him than going directly to Him.
Love is the Greatest
Another thing too that I’ve been learning is the importance of love. A lot of times, we can confuse having spiritual gifts as getting more closer to God, but we often times forget that the greatest of all the gifts is LOVE.
Just as Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3, “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.”
I used to think that having more spiritual gifts made me closer to Father, but in reality, it doesn’t. And because of my strong desire for spiritual gifts, I completely missed the importance of love.
I completely forgot the times when all I would beg for was to solely have Father’s love being poured consistently in my heart because it made me feel amazing and it made me show that love to others as well.
So why did I completely forget love when all I wanted was love?
You see, it’s really because of where I was mentally. I had lost myself into the concept of being more spiritual that I neglected the fact that love is the reason why we have Christ. That love is the reason why we are saved. And love is who God is.
And just the same way Father loves me is the same way he loves the ones who aren’t even saved yet. So also, the same way He loves that spiritual leader is just the same way He loves you. So because one person has a spiritual gift or is a leader does not necessarily mean God is choosing that person over you or loves that person more than you. He loves you all just the same.
I also learned that it is good to desire spiritual gifts regardless of how early or late you are in your spiritual journey. Don’t feel like you have to wait years before you can get it and don’t let anyone convince you to that misconception either. If it is your heart desire, then ask Him for it. He is our Father and He wants to give us these things. But let the motive be for love and not to fuel self-pride.
Getting back with my old friends
I had to contact my old friends again who I had previously judged and cut off. These are the people who make me laugh and I learn from them all the time. So because they aren’t as spiritual or saved doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t talk to them. Because that’s not love. At the end of the day, we are all sinners. So because one person smokes and the other drinks, doesn’t mean I have to cut them off completely. That’s not what Father would want me to do.
Instead, I show the love that Father has shown me regardless of what type of sins they are committing. Because to be honest, I still sin sometimes.
No one is truly righteous, not a single one. We have all fallen short of God’s glory. So because I’m now in a family of believers doesn’t make me any special than the unbelievers. God still loves us all.
No one really knows God
If we all knew the thoughts of Father, then He won’t be seen as being mysterious to some. And that’s the amazing thing about Him. He works in mysterious ways. We can’t tell people what Father is going to do in their lives, because we do not know. Even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture (1 Corinthians 13:9), hence why we cannot know it all (Romans 12:16).
So it is important we remember that because we have intimacy with God, doesn’t automatically mean we know God. He is our Father definitely, but that doesn’t mean we know all His thoughts. Even I too, I’m still learning. And every day, He surprises me.
Till next time,