Fill the void!
The first time I fell in love was back in 2012 in 11th grade. I had met my high school sweetheart whom I thought was going to be the love of my life. However, by the time graduation rolled by, I experienced my first breakup.
I thought I was never going to get over that ache. It sucked. I cried almost every day and knowing that my breakup occurred due to cheating, it made the healing process so much difficult.
I felt like I was never going to be good enough for anyone because that experience totally shattered my self-worth.
Nonetheless, I eventually started to heal, because as the saying goes “Time heals all wounds“.
The Dating Game
I headed back in the dating game again. This time around, I was a bit more cautious.
Sadly, I didn’t know how to love. I had put up a wall around my heart which made it difficult to just enjoy the moment without having thoughts of a possible breakup.
Basically, I was insecure. And as much as I would hate to admit it, It really affected me.
I carried on this insecurity into several other relationships, and although most didn’t end with cheating, I still couldn’t shake off the insecurity.
Carrying that burden through every relationship eventually started to weigh on how I valued myself.
In addition, becoming hooked on social media made matters worse by fueling my insecurity. Seeing as there are countless females out there pumping silicon each second to become the next Kylie Jenner did make me start to somewhat re-evaluate my body image. I am not really a fan of plastic surgery, so there was really nothing I could have done anyway.
Needless to say, although I’m blessed to have a good body figure thanks to my genetics, I still felt very insecure.
Most people would assume it’s women who don’t have the best body types that feel the most insecure, but that could only be further from the truth. Even I still felt a certain way about mine, even though I would be considered “slim thick” based on my body structure.
So what was really causing my insecurity?
And well, to tell you the truth, it was basically me.
Although my bad experiences with relationships, social media and racism did contribute to the way I valued myself, I lacked control over my situation by focusing too much on the insecurities.
Anyways, still being hopeful, I continued to date around and meet new people. I gradually started to gain my confidence back and eventually got into a much healthier relationship which sadly ended due to long distance. (Shout out to that ex, you were a real one.)
Seeing as my confidence was back again, I decided to take a break from dating and relationships to allow myself to heal. I was so happy to be single and actually enjoyed being single. It was the first time I felt more like myself again.
The birth of a new
Summer 2016 came around and I met this young gentleman who lived pretty close by. We started out as friends because I wasn’t really looking for anything serious at that moment, so it was pretty okay. But eventually, the friendship turned into a pretty intense and serious relationship.
Being the confident girl that I was, building a solid relationship finally seemed possible. But sadly, I didn’t know my partner was a narcissist.
If you’re familiar with narcissists, then you would know that they are Kings at killing people’s self-esteem. And the worst thing you could ever do with a narcissist is getting in a relationship with them.
So the relationship I had hoped would be solid eventually turned out to be the most toxic relationship I have EVER experienced in my entire dating history.
I cried way more in that relationship than I ever have in all my days of crying. Seeing as narcissists are good at playing the blame game and gaslighting, this led me to believe that I was always at fault.
I went from being the confident girl to the insecure, depressed, hopeless girl.
Never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself being labeled as depressed, but there I was, seeking therapy like I was losing my mind.
You may probably be thinking, why didn’t you just leave?
But if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, then you would know that they are the most difficult people to break up with. Your best option is to secretly run away from them or just let the relationship run its course (which I don’t advise).
I eventually ended up running away from the demon which required a lot of strength and courage from me.
But honestly, I still give credit to my mother’s constant prayers which broke up the relationship, cause I initially had no idea how to leave.
The Aftermath of the breakup
You may probably think that getting out of the relationship would have finally fixed me, but that could only be further from the reality I faced.
The aftermath of dating a narcissist requires so much self-work to fill the void which can take years to fully recover. So I had to begin the process of fixing myself again.
I wasn’t even going through a heartbreak, rather, I was going through emotional, physical and mental damage.
On top of it all, I didn’t want anyone knowing the aftermath I was experiencing, so I kept it all to myself and suffered in silence.
I tried to convince myself that I was over it, but really, I was only deceiving myself.
As each day went by, I tried to fill the void with as many things as possible. I tried rebounds, meditation, working a lot, therapy, etc and nothing worked!
People always say therapy is the best remedy, but I highly doubt it, cause therapy didn’t change a thing for me.
As I went further along in trying to fill the void, I got sucked into the new age movement (without realizing it) while studying meditation and law of attraction.
It was slowly helping to fill the void, but I noticed that it wasn’t making me as happy as I once used to be. If anything, it only filled it temporarily.
I eventually experienced hell going down that path which I already discussed HERE.
And If I hadn’t gotten saved, I don’t know where I’d be today honestly. Probably Hell in 3D.
But after going down that path and finding Christ again, Boyyy my life CHANGEEEDD…
Now I understand what 2 Corinthians 5:17 means when it says “old things have passed away, and behold a new has come.”
I felt this deep agape that was just enough to get rid of all the tears and insecurity. You’ve got to feel it to understand what I’m truly talking about. Cause after that experience, there hasn’t been any void left to fill. Jesus literally healed me in a matter of seconds while therapy was taking ages of learning self-love which was so redundant and unnecessary.
How to fill the void
Therapy only taught me how to be selfish and look after myself first, while Christ taught me how to love myself and also love others with the same amount of love.
If you’re reading this and you want to fill the void, LISTEN!, don’t fill it with garbage, there’s a much better way and it’s Jesus. You’ve just got to believe in him with your whole heart and watch how it changes you.
The keyword here is “believe” cause if you don’t believe, you can’t experience it. And trust me, it is so worth believing.
What is the next step you intend to take to fill the void, let me know in the comments.
Till next time,