Home Is Not A Place, It’s A Feeling

Recently, my mom traveled all the way from home to come visit me. It was one of those last minute trips that occured, and I’m so happy she chose to consider it.

It was so nice seeing her again after 3 years. And with everything that has been going on lately (especially with my dad’s death), seeing her gave me the best closure that I absolutely needed.

I definitely made sure to make her time here very memorable, as well as her grieivng process much easier. Because I noticed she’s been trying to stay strong, knowing very well that she has 5 kids to take care of.

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One thing that hurts about losing someone is the fact that nothing can fill the new void that exists after the loss. It’s a void that will always be there, regardless of how much healing a person goes through.

It is like losing a huge part of you that you’d never be able to get back, unless the person is brought back to you in some way. And in her case, I needed to let her know that it’s okay to grieve and not feel strong.

Thankfully, all my siblings are grown up and have jobs of their own, so it takes the financial responsibility away from her completely.

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As for me, I’ve been using this period to really get the closure that I need. But sadly, I sometimes find myself slipping into the habit of pushing her away emotionally so that I never have to worry about losing her. I think it’s something that happens to most people who have lost someone. We tend to push others away out of the fear that we might lose them if they get too close. And unfortunately, that’s the obstacle I’m currently facing.

Grieving has really shown me how truly alone I am. Even though I have many friends around me and family members to support me, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m alone in this world and my time here is very limited.

A time to weep and a time to laugh

Yesterday we decided to head over to the beach and play around. And honestly, it felt amazing to just sit around and admire nature. There was just something about being out in the beach that brought so much tears to my eyes, as well as healing to my bones. Maybe it’s the fact that I didn’t get to have memories like this with my dad. But maybe it’s also the fact that being out there made it clearer to me that he’s in a much better place resting.

Either way, I’m glad I now have some new memories to hold on to.

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