Oh my gosh…. Where do I even begin?
So.. I’ve been gone for about a month, and honestly there is a huge explanation for that.
A lot of crazy things have happened in my life this past month, and funny to say, I’m actually quite happy about it all.
So just to get a bit personal with you guys… The past year of my life was basically one of the worst periods ever. I went through a major depression, I lost my sense of self, and I just felt quite lost with life.
Being on social media was really hard, because I had to constantly portray this image of being “okay” all the time, even when deep down I was seriously struggling emotionally.
Basically, I felt very stuck…..
I was in a toxic relationship that made me very very unhappy, I was in a space that didn’t let me be as creative as I am, and most importantly, I was just not happy with the energy around me.
Being surrounded with bad energy wasn’t helping me get better, and each time I felt like things were starting to become okay, I ended up right back where I started.
It was a disaster.
I thought I could never break free from it all,.. but little did I know that there was a bright light waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.
For the past year, I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep. On top of it all, I started to add a ton of weight by engaging in emotional eating.
And as much as I tried to use work to distract myself from the unhappiness I was feeling, nothing seemed to be working.
Somewhere deep down in me just wanted to let go and move away, but I was always so caught up on the “what if-s?” and the “maybe-s”
~what if I just stay a little longer, maybe things would change and get better?
~what if I decide to do things differently, maybe he would change
~what if I just….
~what if.. what if..
And because I held on so much to the what if-s, I realized that things only continued to get worse. It became so bad that I started to lose myself. My actions weren’t matching up with my personality, and my state of mind wasn’t as pleasant as it used to be. The energy I was in only made me portray two types of weird personalities that even I didn’t understand about myself.
I was lost in who I was as a person, and as much I tried to go through therapy to find that light in me, nothing seemed to be working.
Until one day, I just had enough. I had enough of all the pain, what ifs, maybes and just everything……..
I was fed up with my toxic relationship.., and when it finally came to an end, I knew that it was a start to something better.
I packed up my things, found a new apartment and just decided to give up on that energy.
I cut out multiple people from my life who weren’t helping me move forward on this journey, and I decided to focus my attention on those who truly cared about me.
And the moment I took that leap of faith to move forward, I felt this sudden burst of energy. It is so hard to explain, but it felt just peaceful.
For over a year I’ve been looking and searching for peace in the wrong space. I kept trying to change many aspects of my personality to find that peace, not knowing that I was just living in an energy that didn’t contain it.
And the moment I decided to put my foot down and let go, a lot of positivity started to come around.
Since moving to this new space, I’ve had long peaceful nights and sweet dreams. I haven’t shed a tear for the longest time, and all I feel surrounded by is just happiness and people who love me for me..
But that awful experience did teach me a lesson..
"In life, You've got to let go of certain people and allow in the ones that are really meant to stay. Because at the end of the day, happiness is really all that matters"
My new place is amazing, and I’m really loving having my own place and being independent. Never in a million years did I think I was capable of living on my own and getting out of that toxic space.
But here I am, living everyday regretting nothing. I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last couple weeks, and I’m starting to feel more like myself again.
If you’re reading this post, always remember that it is good to give up on certain things and certain people that don’t add peace and happiness to your life. No matter how hard you may want to hold on and fix things, sometimes letting go is the best decision you could ever make for yourself.
Till next time,