So much amazing things have been happening this season that I’ve literally started to ask myself the question “God where are you?”. Actually, now that I really think about it, I think God has been asking me “Eleanor, where are you?” Because for the past couple weeks I’ve been so grateful with the blessings and amazing things He keeps doing in my life that I almost started to focus on the blessings more than I did our time together.
On Friday, I decided to stop by at Millicent’s place for prayer because we had agreed to fast and seek God concerning many things in our life. And since I had become so occupied with life, I knew this fast was needed.
Before getting to her house, I was speaking to Holy Spirit and asking Him if He missed me because I had never gone this long without communicating with Him. Then I proceeded to mumble a few sentences in tongues under my breath as a way to wake myself up spiritually and sort of gain connection with Him.
Before I could even get serious about it, He responded “Performance”.
But I brushed it off, continued my mumbling in tongues, packed my car and went in to see Millicent. When the prayer was starting, I kept thinking to myself again “Will Father even show up in this prayer since I’ve gone almost 2 weeks not basking in His presence?” Will I need to pray longer in tongues before I get stronger again in spirit and get more words from Him?” and the thoughts went on and on.
But still, He kept saying “Performance”
And before I could even get deeper into the prayer, His presence and love showed up so strongly in the room that I started weeping and smiling.
He told us to tell Him what our request was and I just kept saying out loud “I miss you so much, I love you, I want you”.
I couldn’t stop repeating those words because I had really missed Him a lot and my heart was secretly yearning for Him even in the midst of all my distractions.
He proceeded to say “Eleanor, you don’t have to try and do all these things before you can come back and have fellowship with me. You don’t have to strive and pray for long hours in tongues. You don’t have to separate yourself. You don’t have to perform. I am still here with you.” Then He reminded me of my relationship with my late Dad and asked if I ever had to perform or get my life right before picking up the phone and dialling His number. I responded “No!” Then He said, “I don’t expect you to perform for me either”.
I was stunned and happy at the same time.
He then proceeded to respond “I see your heart Eleanor, I know you missed our time together” and as He spoke those words I started weeping.
We then concluded our prayer and I felt so refreshed and joyful.
The following Sunday, right after service, I decided to take a walk with Him at our favourite spot because I had stopped going around the area due to the heavy snowstorms. But since it felt so good outside that day, I knew it was the perfect time to isolate myself and just be with Him.
As my walk began and the cool breeze began to blow across my face, tears slowly started to flow down my eyes and I began to weep.
“I miss you so much God.. I really really miss you. Having all these friends keeping me occupied only revealed how much time I’ve missed with you. You’re my only true friend and I feel so free and childlike when I’m around you. I really really miss you”.
His love was all I could feel in that moment, and the cool breeze gave me a sense of awe at how much time I had gone away from our intimate time together.
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My time away from His presence made me realize that He is enough for me and no amount of blessings or friendships can fulfil me. I also learned that sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, especially when you are really in love.
He really is my sweetheart and first love.. and no one else can replace Him.
I thirst for God, the living God. When can I go and stand before him? – Psalm 42:2
Will you bask in His presence today?