So for a while I’ve been walking in pride and false humility. But I thank Father for starting a deep work in my heart. Because for the last few months I’ve been living and walking in false humility thinking that I’m somehow getting humble without realizing that it has all been false.
And honestly, it has been so disgusting to see that I have to speak about it.
I will be running away from transparency because I believed that if I spoke out a lot about my struggles then people won’t see me as worthy anymore. And because of that I decided to be quiet and suffer in silence.
The enemy loves to do this a lot. He tries to feed our minds with depressive thoughts and convinces us that if we speak out our struggles and people realize it, then they won’t respect us again. And for me, that was the lie I kept believing for a long time.
I will become so prideful and sometimes I will even start to see myself as being better than others. I will think I’m more spiritual because Father gives me some revelations and I have intimacy. And because of that, sometimes I will judge others and think they don’t really know God.
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Other times, I will get into comparison mode. I will tell Father to use me because I felt the need to feed the pride. And because I faced rejection so much in the past, I will be allowing pride take up residence in me.
In addition, finacially, I will get prideful. I will sometimes be feeling and acting like I have so much money, even when I had so little. I would be such a show off. Trying to show off the things I had and could afford.
I will also become so impressed with my own knowlege and wisdom that often times makes me act like a know-it-all. Because Father gave me a gift, I will act prideful with it.
It was even so bad to the point that I would sometimes try to downplay these gifts because I felt that I was acting prideful. So I would look down on myself and the giftings, so that maybe I could appear more humble without realizing that that in itself is false humility.
I was so spiritually prideful. Yet at the same time, when I would see others who were more spiritual than I was, I would compare myself and start to think I wasn’t good enough or spiritual enough. And because of that, I will act more spiritually mature than I really am.
Such nonsense.. omgoodness!!! I’m disgusted..
I always felt the need to please Father and be perfect for Him to love me, and sometimes, when I was starting to walk in holiness, I would compare myself with others who weren’t as holy. I would even think that I was better than them because I happened to have a level of holiness which made me special.
Also, in addition to ministry, I knew I was very prideful, so I kept running away from it, because I felt that if I came into ministry then I would allow that pride to really fuel up. I was using it as a way to justify to Father why I wasn’t worthy of ministry, without realizing that that in itself is false humility.
Running away because you don’t want to be seen as prideful in and of itself is pride and false humility.
I will be a people pleaser, caring more about what others thought instead of what God thought about me. And because of that, I will get so sad when I couldn’t live up to the expectations of others.
Since I was such an attention seeker, I would always feel the pressure to prove (I talked about this in my last post). But the prideful part of this was, when I finally got the attention I wanted so badly, I will try and downplay myself on the outside and even talk down on myself in order to appear humble, knowing very well that there was still pride sitting in my heart.
Lol.. I’m laughing as I’m typing this post because it’s so funny to see the pride and false humility that has been living in my heart. But hey, I don’t care, I’m exposing this stuff and laughing back at the enemy.
“I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10”
I used to judge a lot too. And I would get jealous of people’s success, relationships, happiness, you name it. I will get so jealous. And I will sometimes think that Father has favorites and He’s blessing them more than me. Meanwhile, He does come through whenever I need Him too.
In addition, I will look down on people who haven’t had life very difficult and I’d basically try to justify why I was different and special, because I happened to face so much pain. Yes, you can definitely be prideful if you see your pain as you being more special than others.
Sometimes, to even keep my pride, I’d blame others for my own shortcomings, because I needed to justify why certain things turned out the way it did.
Dang, I will be so prideful about many things. My knowlege, my blog numbers, beauty, intimacy with God, money. Just so much.. And I kept allowing this pride to take root in me, to the point that I started wearing a mask to hide my insecurities.
That even resulted in me separating and isolating myself a lot. Because I felt so much guilt, shame and hurt.
But hey, I thank God for revealing these things to me. The devil is a liar, and I don’t care–I’m going to be very transparent from now on. Because it is considered people pleasing to care a lot about what others think–even if it has to do with revealing personal insecurities.
Anyways, leave a comment exposing some areas where the enemy has sown pride and false humility in. I know I’m not the only one and some of you reading this need to come clean as well..
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