I first want to start this post by apologizing to those of you who used to read my faith posts. But before I finish up with the apology, I have a lot of explaining to do.
For the last few weeks (more like 1-2 months ago), I’ve been confused about my calling.
When the year first started out, I had the impression that God had called me to minister the gospel. In fact, during the preparation period, I always wondered why He was growing me so much spiritually and giving me all these supernatural experiences. But even with all that, a part of me had so much doubt.
I used to compare myself a lot to ministers of the gospel and because of that, I kept allowing doubt set in. I would tell myself things like “I’m not spiritual enough” OR “I’m not gifted enough”, yet God would use me to influence people to Christ and I’d see healings happen. But still, I kept doubting.
On top of that, I had some not so encouraging friends in my life then who were very critical. They would always say things like “don’t do what God didn’t send you to do” OR “Are you sure God told you to do that?”
And because of the lack of encouragement from them, my doubt kept fueling up and I got to a point where I basically started telling myself that I wasn’t qualified to preach.
Eventually though, God removed these friends and brought in new ones that kept encouraging me to stay in the faith. They told me how much God was willing to use me, yet I kept doubting. I lived in the insecurity and the discouragement of those old friends that I basically pushed everything ministry related away.
Then my dad passed away and I felt it was a bigger confirmation from God that ministry probably wasn’t for me. Even though I had this burden in my heart for souls and I would spend days praying for random strangers on the internet that weren’t saved.
Anways, after a while of doubting, I started pulling away from things of the spirit. I kept making excuses to God, like not being spitirual enough or gifted enough to do ministry. So I started spending less time in the word and more time focusing on business.
I do have a prayer group that meets every night to pray, so I felt that I would use those minutes to hear from God and stay away from His presence once the prayer meetings end.
And I kept doing that for a while, until one faithful day…
I was out on a morning run when I saw a full blown angel walking towards me. After that He disappeared. And I kept thinking to myself that God was probably using Him to get my attention.
But still I pushed God away and kept living my life the way I wanted– ignoring His call and grieving Holy Spirit in the process.
Whenever He called for my attention, I would make excuses. I even started telling Him how much I didn’t want to remain prideful and how I felt ministry and some ministers get prideful when they serve Him.
Either way, I kept doing my own thing and chasing after finances because I felt the need to be of help to my mom by taking away the financial pressure from her.
And that in itself caused me to pull further away from God.
Seeing that my blog was centred on faith at that time, I decided that I was going to quit because honestly, I didn’t want people to keep seeing me as perfect for having intimacy with God. And I also didn’t want to lead anyone astray if I decided to act out of my flesh due to my imperfections. So giving up felt like the right thing to do.
I even decided to act out of my flesh, so maybe that would convince people that I wasn’t worthy. But yet, I still couldn’t shake off the burden in my heart to help people, especially people who aren’t saved.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet, I lived in doubt about ministry. Financially speaking, I felt that doing ministry was going to add more pressure because I didn’t want to give up the things I was already doing to make income. And I felt that if I went on to minster, God would make me quit it. So that even pushed me further away from the call of God.
But anyways… God is funny though. He won’t just let you walk away freely, especially if He has specifically chosen you for something. And in my case, He had chosen me for something, which I still don’t fully know about yet.
But like I said, He won’t just let you go freely, so I ended up just like Jonah. Not in a belly of fish, but rather, in a belly of misery.
Funny enough, in the past, I once had a dream of Jonah running away from the call of God. And in my heart I knew the dream was speaking to me. Yet I doubted.
Either way, the Lord taught me a lesson. A big one in fact. And after that, I knew I had to get up and move.
Last night He asked me why I’ve been wandering and why I’ve been so afraid. But yet, I still kept talking about my imperfections and how I don’t feel worthy of all that ministry stuff.
Anyways, that’s kind of where I’m at right now. But one thing I learned is, don’t run away from the call of God on your life.
Believe me, it won’t end well.
Till next time,
Related Post: I’ve Not Been Myself Lately