I Have Not Been Myself Lately

Oh my goodness, I don’t even know how to begin typing this post. A lot has been happening to me recently and for some reason I haven’t really been myself.

I’ve basically been wearing a mask around my face and acting different. And the sad thing is, I wasn’t even consciously aware of it. Like it was all a spiritual attack and I just brushed it off and acted like I was just growing into a new person.

In my last post, I told you guys I had a conversation with God, because honestly I wasn’t really okay. I started getting depressed and had episodes of anxiety. But still, I kept pushing God away because I had just accepted that life is difficult and maybe I do deserve to be feeling that way.

Since my dad died, I’ve been under so much stress. One of it being financial stress. I basically got into workaholic mode and started pushing God and everything related to God away. Because I assumed that if God got involved again, things would end up worse.

Part of this assumption had to do with the fact that I had not fully let go of my anger towards Him. I have been so mad at Him that I literally would push Him away or spend a couple minutes with Him a day.

My excuse was the fact that I needed to start focusing on moving on with my grief. Knowing very well that my mom can’t keep doing everything on her own.

And with that excuse, I was giving Him more and more reasons to not involve Him in my life.

I've not been myself lately

So as I went on pushing Him away, I ended up developing anger, resentment and unforgiveness. I basically started putting that anger on others, including myself.

Because I couldn’t be honest with Him about how I felt towards Him, I decided that putting it on others was the right thing to do.

It wasn’t intentional though, because even when I did, I’d still feel bad for putting my anger on others. Yet, I’ll try to justify why it was necessary for me.

Anyways, when I finally decided to really sit down and have a conversation with Him. Something mindblowing happened.

The first night of our conversation, I felt very heavy. So I started coming clean little by little to express how I felt. Yet I wasn’t fully honest about everything, so the heaviness still remained.

That same night, I stayed up because my anxiety got so bad to the point that I couldn’t sleep. It literally became a problem because I started having chest pains as a result of my panic attack. My family doctor even suggested that I go to the emergency room. But I ended up not going, because I honestly didn’t want to. I even started convincing myself that death was so much better than the constant stress I was facing.

Anyways, my roommate ended up getting a blood pressure monitor to check my blood pressure, because I honestly wasn’t myself. Thankfully, it was normal.

Given how bad my health was, I decided to come clean to God and just be honest with Him. I felt that being honest was the best way. Plus, I kept running away from ministry and everything faith related. Because I was honestly living in the mindset that serving Him in ministry wasn’t for me, even though I had this burden for people who aren’t saved.

I even went on to act out of my flesh by throwing out curse words, changing my blog content and basically sinning to prove that I wasn’t worthy of minsitry or anything related.

But God is so funny though, because regardless of what I chose to do, He still kept pushing.

I've not been myself lately

So I finally decided to come clean last night and started being honest about my pain. I told Him how much I hated the fact that He didn’t want me to be in a relationship, because He happened to always make me give up on the guys I talk to. I also told Him how much I didn’t like the fact that I spent sleepless nights praying and in constant warfare, yet I lost my dad. And still financially, I was working my butt off and struggling. I talked about friends who left me during the most difficult time of my life and how I kept unforgiveness because they weren’t genuine.

It was a long conversation. I can’t even begin to mention it all.. But it felt good to release it and I felt Holy Spirit weeping as I did.

After I was done, I decided to pray in tongues for a couple minutes and sleep.

Well, you won’t believe it. But a couple minutes turned into over 2 hours of praying. And honestly, I saw a whole new side of Holy Spirit that I have never seen before. The way He addressed the demons that kept attaching themselves to my wounds was honestly shocking.

I can’t explain what happened in words, but it was mindblowing.

Either way, after the prayer was over, I slept peacefully. I started feeling God’s presence a lot strongly than I used to. And the atmosphere started to feel like the way it felt when I first got saved.

I ended up liking Holy Spirit a lot more after this, because I haven’t felt so loved and defended like this in my entire life. It was amazing.

Anyways, I do feel a lot better now…

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Till next time,

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