Feeling Very Low

Over the weekend, I went over to stay at Jennifer’s house. My roommate had just traveled for a wedding and I felt it would be the perfect time to do a sleep over at my her place.

Jennifer is that one friend of mine who seems to know everything about my life. She was the first person to know about my salvation because I happened to go to her house right after my encounter with Jesus. And she also happens to be a source that Father uses to provide for me.

Sadly, she will be leaving to go out of state for her masters at the end of the month and I felt so sad when she broke the news to me. Because she happens to be my only single friend here that I constantly rely on for godly encouragement.

Thankfully, Father put me in a new community recently and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful for them. It was like the perfect timinig for me, especially now that Jennifer would be leaving pretty soon.

feeling very low again

Warfare and Sleepless nights..

For the past few nights, I’ve been getting attacked in my sleep a lot. The moment I shut my eyes, I would get demons coming to press me and cause all sort of torments on me. And I couldn’t understand why this kept happening.

At Jennifer’s house too, I had the same experience happen to me twice in one night. Each time I got up to pray, I would sense the presence of these entities hovering around, trying to afflict me. And honestly, it threw me into a state of insomia.

Fortunately, on sunday, Father proceeded to send a friend of mine to give me the number of a lady who does deliverance. Because for a while now, He has been telling me a lot about my family history and their involvement in witchcraft and ancestral blood covenants. And since coming to Christ myself, the enemy has been using it as a legal door to try and afflict me.

The good thing is that, admist all these attacks– which by the way, affected my financial, physical, emotional and spiritual health–Father has been protecting me and saving me from the spirit of death.

And since this revelation came to me, I knew for a fact that He needed me to get delivered.

I later got in touch with the lady and the moment I did, Father started pouring in a ton of revelations. She said she saw me with a lot of scars in the spirit and even went on to discuss how the enemy has been out to get me. It was such an eye opening experience for me.. and she proceeded to pray for my deliverance.

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Doubts, Identity crises And Questioning 

Sadly, during all these attacks, I kept finding myself being rebellious, disobedient, prideful, confused, angry at God, mad at friends, losing friends, depressed and rejected. One moment, I will be so in love with Jesus and on fire for Father. And the next moment, I will be doubting and questioning His love and my calling.

The enemy would feed me with more lies by saying, “everyone has forgotten you”, “no one would think you are a true Christian” “even Jesus does not love you”, “God can’t use you anymore after you rebelled”, “you need to be more perfect, see how other ministers are perfect, you can’t be like them” “just quit the podcast, you can’t speak for God” “quit your youtube channel, you’re not as good as the rest” “God is punishing you” “It’s your fault that all these bad things are happening” “all your friends are leaving you” “all these attacks are happening to you because God is punishing you” “Where is He now that you’re under attack?, I told you He left you” “God hasn’t forgiven you”

And the moment I get flooded with these lies, I will just sit and cry.. I’d remember my dad and continue wallowing in sorrow. I’d keep telling Father how terribly sorry I am. Sometimes, I won’t even know what to be sorry for, but I’d just be living in guilt and shame. And I’d start serving Him from a place of fear and not love.

Then I’d get some calls from friends who would encourage me and tell me more about Father’s love for me. And that will make me feel a lot better about my situation.

Honestly, the enemy has really been feeding me with so much lies that created a stronghold in my mind. But since Father has been doing a deep work of healing in my life, I can slowly start to see my thought process take a turn. Plus, I ended up putting a ton of scriptures on the walls in my room to declare truth each time those lies crept up.

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Wounds are a legal ground for affliction

During one of my first Christian counselling sessions a couple months ago, the woman of God told me to read the book Ancient Paths. For a while I put off reading it due to lazyness and distractions. But since I’ve been seeking Abba a lot more for healing, He started putting the book in my heart to read.

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As I opened it up and began to read, He started speaking to my heart. A lot of wounds that I had–even from childhood– started coming to the surface and I began to see areas where the enemy kept using as legal ground to cause more afflictions.

He would take advantage of my wounds and lie to me that everyone is out to hurt me. And because of that, I’d create walls around my heart out of the fear that I will get hurt.

But in doing so, I didn’t realize that putting walls around my heart for people also meant putting walls around my heart for Abba too. And because of that, it became so difficult for me to receive His love and hear His voice due to the hardness of my heart.

feeling very low

Thankfully, this book revealed a lot to me. And while reading, I kept telling Father to take down the walls and make my heart much tender, regardless of who might end up hurting me again.

I came to the understanding that sadness does have a refining influence on us (Ecclesiastes 7:3). And I shouldn’t have to run away from sorrow, because that in itself also comes from Abba.

In addition, I also learned that comparison and people pleasing in of itself is idolatry.. Because it puts the opinions of others and the thoughts of others above Abba’s thoughts and opinions of us.

And as someone who has been dealing with comparison and people pleasing for a while now, it was sort of a wake up call for me.

It’s so crazy how I teach others to stop people pleasing and comparison, yet I still sometimes find myself doing the same thing.. lol

Anyways, I learned that I don’t need to explain myself to people and inflict more wounds–because apparently I’ve been doing it for a while now, even on the blog–and I also learned that my Identity is rooted in Abba’s opinion of me, regardless of what others think.

Till next time,

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