Father is so amazing, like seriously, His love never ceases to amaze me.
It all started about 2 weeks ago when I began battling the worst warfare I’d ever experienced. At that time, my family was going through deliverance and we were really pressing into our breakthrough. And with that, I kept getting under so many attacks.
When I would go to sleep, the enemy would send his demons to attack me. One time, it happened almost 3 times in one night that I began to question if Father even loved me. Still, I would wake up and pray, declaring as much scripture as I could think of and hoping for a breakthrough in the spirit.
Then God sent a deliverance minister my way. And He was such a huge blessing in my life. Because for a long time I’ve been seeking inner healing and deliverance, but finding no help. Most of the ministers I encountered did not believe that Christians could be influenced by demons (or even needed deliverance), so I remained in bondage, warring on my own and hoping one day for freedom.
This anointed man of God (who is now my spiritual mentor) came along, and God mightily used Him to deliver me. The way God moved in my life was so amazing and I couldn’t be more thankful for it. I got set free from so many things that I once struggled with. And it was truly amazing to see Father move mightily through him.
Then the enemy showed up again…
This time around, he came through another believer. Mind you, this believer is someone that I once respected and held in high regard, so when the attack came, it threw me into a state of condemnation. I’m not going to get into long details about what went down because I’ve decided to forgive this individual. But to summarize it all, I’d give you a short story.
So around the period my dad died (Feb 2019), I was going through so much warfare in my personal and family life. My mind came under serious attack to the point that I even began to push God away and get angry at Him. I couldn’t explain where the anger was coming from, but for some reason, I’d get angry at God and then feel terrible and repent, then I’d get angry again. It was like a roller coaster in my mind.. and sometimes, I’d even lay that anger on others and apologize later. I knew in my heart that I love Jesus, but for some reason, I couldn’t understand why I kept getting angry at Him and then feeling bad about it later. Especially since He’s the only person I mostly talk to.
Anyways, around this period, I happened to reach out to an ex-friend over text to vent my frustration. I honestly felt so bad about exploding in anger, but for some reason it was uncontrollable. And this person ended up taking screenshots of my conversation and posting it on a church group I wasn’t a part of. Since then, a rumor (which I just found out about recently) was made about me that I wasn’t “born again” or “truly saved”
Can you imagine?
I felt so taken advantage of, especially given that I trusted this person enough to vent. I wondered why the individual would decide to speak about me to a group of believers I wasn’t close friends with (knowing well I was under so many attacks).
Anyways, I ended up forgiving this individual. But I had no idea about the rumor until recently. And because I was beginning to see breakthrough both in my family and personal life, the enemy decided to make me become aware of it.
When I found out about this rumor two days ago, I was in shock. I kept thinking to myself “why would anyone say I’m not born again for getting angry at God… If I have a boyfriend and get angry at him, does that mean I don’t love him?” “Why would believers who claim to love God engage in gossiping and rumors?” “Why would these people claim to serve God and not extend grace?” “Is this what the church does? The moment a person falls short, everyone cuts him off?” “So the church condemns those who are weak in faith?”
And the thoughts kept going on and on.
Then I began to hold the thoughts captive and proceeded to ask the Holy Spirit what He thought. And at that moment the words that kept ringing in my heart was “Love”
I started to realize that this whole time, the enemy kept fighting me in the area of Love. The reason why he sent the spirit of anger was because he knew my love for God was genuine. And anger was the best weapon to fire at me. Not only that, but he decided to hurt the friendships that I loved and cherished so much in order to sow seeds of discord and bitterness in my heart to prevent love.
Holy Spirit then led me to 1 corinthians 13, and I began to get a clearer picture of what love really is.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
As those words kept entering my heart, I began to repent for not walking in love towards them, but rather holding on to unforgiveness and bitterness. I decided to tell Him to fill my heart up with His love and their hearts too.
But with all that, the condemnation and rumors about me remained and I couldn’t seem to shake it off. I felt unworthy and rejected. The inner healing and deliverance I was experiencing began to feel like bondage again, and I stayed weeping for days.
I eventually went over to stay with my aunt because I needed clarity of mind.
I stayed weeping at my aunt’s house and I kept telling Holy Spirit to tell me who He thinks I am. The depressive thoughts were so strong that I felt the urge to give up everything God had placed in my heart. I wept and wept.. and then decided to sleep.
The following morning, I ended up reaching out to one of the leaders from the group in hopes I could gain clarity, but he only emphasized the rumors about me, which led to more condemnation.
Still, in the mist of it all, Holy Spirit kept saying “Love”
I couldn’t shake off the feeling of rejection, so I decided to stand up and declare truth over myself. I knew in my heart that the rumors about me were false, so I chose to start speaking truth.
I eventually went home and took my regular friday walks with Jesus, declaring truth as I stayed fellowshipping with Him. Then I decided to call Pearl to talk about the Love of God, and how I felt many believers today are not walking in love.
On my way home, I stopped at millicent’s house (a new friend I recently met) to have a conversation with her. We had a long chat and I shared my testimony about Jesus with her, while she shared a few stories about her life with me. At the time of visiting her, I sensed she was a lukewarm christian, but I could see the wounds in her heart from the conversation we had. So I gave her some godly wisdom on what she could do in regards to healing.
I slept over at her place because it was so late at night. And right before sleeping, I kept talking to Holy Spirit about His love and how much I prefer His love over every other spiritual thing.
The following day, I continued talking to Millicent about Jesus. I told her to forgive the people that hurt her and call the person that wounded her. She did (even though it was over 4 years ago and she was no longer in contact with the individual). After she got off the phone, she told me she felt a lot better. And then I continued talking to her about Jesus and His love while sharing my personal stories with her.
And guys…. Jesus showed up!!!!
As I was speaking, she began weeping as Holy Spirit started ministering to her. The words sank deep into her heart, and she started weeping, repenting and singing “Jesus come into my heart”.
The presence of God was so strong in that room that I too was weeping and smiling uncontrollably. I felt honored to be used as a vessel to reach one of Jesus’s lost sheep. She gave her life to the Lord that night and I went home happier than I ever was.
I learned from that experience that Love is everything. Love is what saves, heals and restores. And without love, we are nothing.
I started to understand who I am at that moment. Because it wasn’t the first time Father used me in that way to reach one of His lost sheep. I got to know that He wants me to stay abiding in His love because that’s what I desire the most. Not only that but to pour that love into others. I learned that Love is what brought me into intimacy with Him and Love is what will keep me going. And although the enemy tries to dim my light by using people to come against me or speak against me, I should stay abiding in love.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. – 1 Peter 4:8